Fluctuation in E Flat

by thisisthelogblog

Saxophone
“Beans, Beans the Musical Fruit, the more you eat the more you toot!”

Every good saxophonist knows how important it is to use the diaphragm. The amazing sounds that Kenny G or Joe Henderson are able to produce are all supported by a muscle much lower than the mouth and lungs. My band directors all instructed me to breathe low and deep in the gut, then push the sound out gradually in a controlled manner. As my skill on the saxophone increased, so did my ability to control my diaphragm to help me produce the sounds and tone that I wanted.

After a long day at school, I had several items that I had to take care of on my agenda. I had to practice my saxophone and I had to poop. I decided to practice first and poop second, naturally leaving the best for last. However, as I began to practice using my diaphragm the movement in my bowels made the urge to poop greater. I fought the urge for a bit, but soon it was too strong. As I began to remove my saxophone from my neck strap to go use the bathroom, my jr. high mind began connecting some dots. Muscles that I used to play the saxophone and muscles that I used to push the poop out were in the same general area. Could the practice of one be used to assist the other?

I immediately sprang into action to try my experiment. Thinking back, it is a strange thing indeed to picture myself walking into a bathroom carrying a stand, some music, and a saxophone. Getting situated took some extra effort. I had to juggle the pant removal and saxophone and stand adjusting, but I soon settled in. I proceeded to attempt practicing both instruments. I’m sure that I sounded like a crazy person as sounds of a saxophone, a person pooping, and laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation floated through the bathroom door. Unfortunately, however, the musical partnership of saxophone and poop was not meant to be. It was much too hard to coordinate the two similar, but opposing bodily functions. Eventually, I gave up and finished my bathroom business with my saxophone dejectedly placed on the floor. The experiment had failed, but I was still proud of my attempt. I knew that in the musical world I could hold my head up high because I knew that I had taken my instrument to a level few saxophonists have dared to go.

-Jane Pooptrane

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