Because I trust the Log Blog and all that it stands for, I feel that I can freely share my poop stories with the general public. I’ll admit that I am not new to pooping. I have been pooping for nearly 22 years now. When I was younger, I often depended on my family to help me cleanse my rectal facility following secretions. Usually after I finished my business, a would simply send out a call consisting of the simple phrase “I am done” from the porcelain throne. However, on occasion, my parents would be out and about doing their own things, sometimes even outside of the house. On these occurrences, I would find myself uncomfortably stranded in the bathroom. After I had exhausted my efforts, it was all I could do to let out a blood curdling scream, “I. AM. DOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!” I am not proud of this, but what is a little boy to do? I can only wonder, since my windows were open, what my neighbors thought I had finished doing and why it required such profound effort to share my success with the entire community.
Sadly, this is not the story I was requested to share with the Log Blog. I am an athlete. With good diet and exercise, I am a very regular customer of the stalls. Recently, I have become injured due to sports. I herniated a vertebral disk between by L5 and S1 vertebrae. You may wonder what this has to do with pooping, but I can assure you that it is quite relevant. Due to this injury, I had a pooping experience that was quite surreal, and perhaps Biblical. Upon seeing a medical doctor, we found it in my best interest to receive a steroid shot to the lower back to relieve inflammation upon my sciatic nerve. It is a very simple procedure where they take a single needle into my back, inject a local anesthetic, and follow it with the steroid. It is really quite a minor operation, but they take precautions and gurney you around in a bed and wheelchair. A few hours after the procedure, I still had numbness in my buttock when nature requested my attendance in the bathroom. I accepted the invitation and promptly sat down on the toilet and began relieving myself. After a few moments, I realized something was terribly wrong. I couldn’t tell if I was pooping. The anesthetic I received was only for one side of my back and I could only feel my right cheek. Due to this, only the right side of my anal sphincter could tell what was going on and my brain was having a terrible time interpreting data from my anal nerves. This was somewhat of a Biblical revelation and the verse Matthew 6:3 came to mind: “But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your rang hand is doing.” I thought to myself, “This must be what Jesus feels like when he poops.” The right side of my anal sphincter had no idea what the left side was doing. I’ve never felt so sneaky pooping in my life. It was exhilarating. Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and with a ghost wipe, skip, and a jump, I was on my merry little way. I cannot wait for my next injection.
-Edgar Allen Poop