The Log Blog

We all do it. Let's start talking about it.

Month: May, 2014

Half Defecation

Because I trust the Log Blog and all that it stands for, I feel that I can freely share my poop stories with the general public. I’ll admit that I am not new to pooping. I have been pooping for nearly 22 years now. When I was younger, I often depended on my family to help me cleanse my rectal facility following secretions. Usually after I finished my business, a would simply send out a call consisting of the simple phrase “I am done” from the porcelain throne. However, on occasion, my parents would be out and about doing their own things, sometimes even outside of the house. On these occurrences, I would find myself uncomfortably stranded in the bathroom. After I had exhausted my efforts, it was all I could do to let out a blood curdling scream, “I. AM. DOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!” I am not proud of this, but what is a little boy to do? I can only wonder, since my windows were open, what my neighbors thought I had finished doing and why it required such profound effort to share my success with the entire community.

Sadly, this is not the story I was requested to share with the Log Blog. I am an athlete. With good diet and exercise, I am a very regular customer of the stalls. Recently, I have become injured due to sports. I herniated a vertebral disk between by L5 and S1 vertebrae. You may wonder what this has to do with pooping, but I can assure you that it is quite relevant. Due to this injury, I had a pooping experience that was quite surreal, and perhaps Biblical. Upon seeing a medical doctor, we found it in my best interest to receive a steroid shot to the lower back to relieve inflammation upon my sciatic nerve. It is a very simple procedure where they take a single needle into my back, inject a local anesthetic, and follow it with the steroid. It is really quite a minor operation, but they take precautions and gurney you around in a bed and wheelchair. A few hours after the procedure, I still had numbness in my buttock when nature requested my attendance in the bathroom. I accepted the invitation and promptly sat down on the toilet and began relieving myself. After a few moments, I realized something was terribly wrong. I couldn’t tell if I was pooping. The anesthetic I received was only for one side of my back and I could only feel my right cheek. Due to this, only the right side of my anal sphincter could tell what was going on and my brain was having a terrible time interpreting data from my anal nerves. This was somewhat of a Biblical revelation and the verse Matthew 6:3 came to mind: “But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your rang hand is doing.” I thought to myself, “This must be what Jesus feels like when he poops.” The right side of my anal sphincter had no idea what the left side was doing. I’ve never felt so sneaky pooping in my life. It was exhilarating. Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and with a ghost wipe, skip, and a jump, I was on my merry little way. I cannot wait for my next injection.

-Edgar Allen Poop


The Poopie Post

“One of my earliest memories of this subject was when I was 1 or 2. Maybe even 3, as my memory is a bit fuzzy that far back. One of my aunts had my brother and I in the bathtub, giving us a bath. I was in front, and he was behind me. I remember looking down, and watching with some amazement as a brown log floated slowly between my legs and toward the front of the tub. I was thinking, “Hey, that’s pretty cool”, and I’m sure I could have watched it for hours, fascinated. Just like a leaf floating lazily down a peaceful river. I knew it was mine, so I assume I understood what part I had in delivering this fine work of art to an appreciative audience…

If I’m on the john and stand up afterwards, sometimes I’m tempted to admire my handiwork. Like a wine connoisseur commenting on the bouquet and fragrance of the wine, I make mental notes on the color, size, shape and form of my artwork. Sometimes it’s all jumbled up, and sometimes you have a beautiful swirl like a soft serve ice cream cone. I’m almost tempted to pat myself on the back, until I remember I’ve got a tissue in hand.”

These excerpts have been taken from The Poopie Post by dolphinswithmohawks, who is a pretty cool blogger. The rest of the blog was pretty funny, so check it out!

The Teacup Toilet

This logging took place at the beginning of my summer vacation last year. I was back home, large and in charge. Since it was still my first week back, I was in the habit of getting up early in the mornings and as a result, my mom would leave me some kind of breakfast. This particular morning, I woke to the aroma of eggs and bacon with a side of pancakes next to good ol’ Aunt Jemima and a fresh pot of coffee. I eagerly got out of bed with a grin on my face and made my way downstairs to the tile floored kitchen. This hearty breakfast tasted as good as it looked and I was in heaven for about four and a half minutes. Soon after, my youngest sister came downstairs. Apparently, she was in the shower while I was downstairs and she asked if I could drive her to school. I shrugged my shoulders and said “why not”? I drank what was left of my warm cup of coffee, mixed with rich, vanilla creamer to wash down the sweet, buttered pancakes and went to my old room to throw on some pants and shoes. I ended up taking a quick nap, just a lil’ catnap, and my sister woke me up saying that she only had 10 minutes to get to class. We ran out to my car and as I put the key in the ignition, something felt a little peculiar. The engine roared awake and I stepped on the gas petal, making our way down the street on this warm, sunny morning. With the windows down and a cool breeze running through our hair, we jammed to the musical stylings of Britney Spears’s “Toxic”. Not long after, we arrived at my sister’s elementary school, but I knew there was something in me that needed to come out and it needed to come out now. I tried to hold it in, but it was no use. “BUUUUURP”. Relief. My stomach settled and I waved at my sister as she went in through the double doors. I made my way out of the parking lot, but before coming to the stop sign, I realized that the coffee was not the only thing brewing that morning. I immediately pulled a U-ey and parked as quickly as possible before power-walking into my sister’s school. Casually, I walked up to the front office and asked where my sister’s Homeroom was. They pointed me in her direction and I pulled away as soon as I turned the corner. Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom. I was getting desperate and began to penguin-sprint, looking for any sign of a bathroom nearby. Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel shone bright and I waddled to my destiny. I walked in unbuttoning my pants, and kicked open a stall before coming to a dead-stop. “What is this?”, I thought to myself. “Oh god… They’re tiny. It’s going to be like pooping in teacups…” I chortled at the thought and again shrugged my shoulders and said “Why not”? I squatted lower than I ever had in my whole life, in perfect form too, thanks to my high school lifting class. I unleashed the beast and within minutes I had done something horrible. The miniature ceramic throne was almost filled to the top, and despite my best efforts, it would not flush. My creation stared at me, and I proudly stared back. A sense of accomplishment overfilled me and such pride ran through my heart. I created this. I nodded in appreciation and walked away, the most satisfied a man could leave the bathroom. My only remorse lied in the thought of the poor janitor who would have to deal with this. Truly a force to be reckoned with was the dump in the teacup toilet, but I am sure even the janitor would take his hat off in honor to this monster crap. I waved to the woman at the front office and walked out to double doors, knowing that that day would be a truly glorious day.

-Leonardo DeCraprio

Really Crappy Flash Fiction

6 Word Story:
Spicy burrito. Long car ride. Crap.

100 Word Story:
“Bathroom’s occupied?” I asked hurriedly. Dirty looks from the long line outside answered me. Four cups of coffee and gas station sushi rumbling in my belly didn’t like that answer. Trudging to the back of the line, I could see the future before it unfolded. I wouldn’t make it. The line was moving too slowly; my bowels were moving too quickly. As crowded as it was inside, it looked desolate outside. The row of trees behind the parking lot was looking more and more tempting… Before my rectum surrendered to my poop, I surrendered to my shame. Hey, crap happens.

Flash Fiction

Log Blog App

Not too long ago, we at the Log Blog were contacted by someone who admired our work and wanted to introduce himself. We do not get much fan mail at the Log Blog, so this was exciting. As it turns out, the person who contacted us was on an app team working for Chicago-based app developer, Janitor Ltd. When we found out that they had just released a new app titled “LogBlog”, we felt it would be wrong for us not to do a story on them.

“LogBlog” is the first app released by Janitor Ltd. It is an app that links together a community of people to tell their best #2 stories. Recognizing that such an idea could quickly disintegrate into a crass, pointless source of trash, we were happy to discover that this app retains classy feel while still allowing one to relieve stories and experiences about pooping. As for the app itself, navigation is simple between the Roll, Public Log, Me, and News tabs. . Users can push logs to each other and share experiences with the entire community.

One of my favorite things about this app is the mission statement of the team that developed it. Their mission is “to generate donations through bringing awareness to colon cancer and the lack of global sanitation throughout the world.” We thought that it was great to hear about people who took an off-the-wall idea like blogging about pooping and turning it into a way to better society. Portions of the proceeds are donated to helping those afflicted with colon cancer through Janitor, Ltd.

All-in-all, LogBlog is a classy app with a solid purpose. There’s a free version and a version for $0.99, so check it out.

Physics of a Good Poop

All of us have enjoyed poops in the comfort of our or other people’s homes. But some of us are a little bit more adventurous. We have all heard tales of crazy people who like to take dumps in strange or exciting places. Whether it’s on a hike in the woods, in the ocean, or even while skydiving; adventurous people will find a way to build a log cabin. This got me thinking: what are the physics involved to a good poop? We could all benefit from advanced knowledge of this phenomenon. We all do it, after all. It could help to improve our poopsperience all around.

Let’s begin with the basic science. It is most commonly held that it takes about 6 different groups of muscles to poop: the rectal smooth muscle, internal sphincter, external sphincter, expletory thoracic muscles, diaphragm, and abdominal muscles (the last three are breathing muscles that are involved in what is known as the Valsalva maneuver).

It is impossible to lay down a generic figure on how much effort it takes to poop. This depends on three things: composition of the stool, position of the body during the poop, and atmospheric conditions. The atmospheric conditions have the least affect, but they still must be considered. Of the atmospheric conditions, humidity and relative atmospheric pressure have the largest effect on the ease of a poop. Higher humidity allows for the poop to slide out easier. Higher atmospheric pressure causes body organs to swell slightly and for it to be more difficult to pinch one off. However, low atmospheric conditions are usually indicative of storms, and this causes the body to tense up, so in reality, the two are more than likely be at equilibrium with each other. Body position has been a hot item as of late. Whether one should sit or squat is on the mind of all serious health “nuts”. In the eastern parts of the world, it is common to squat, while in the western parts of the world, sitting is the accepted way to do your business.

Sitting provides a sharper angle and simply makes it more difficult to poop. There are many health problems associated with sitting when one poops. These can include constipation, hemorrhoids, colon disease, urinary infections, and pelvic issues.

Physics is a field of science concerned with learning about the physical universe and using that knowledge to create machines and devices that are more efficient and require less maintenance. From a physics standpoint, it is much more efficient on the body to squat while pooping. If you can break the modern culture, I would suggest doing so to become a healthier person.

-Dr. Erwin Schrödingleberry